When Moving Forward Looks Like Taking A Step Back


… the situation at work wasn’t the best - not only was it challenging my values but it was also affecting me mentally. I was afraid to leave my job though, as that meant letting go of financial stability (something that I found pride and security in),"

A couple months into the lock down last year, I began to pray about the season that God had ahead for me. I had a job then and was due for a confirmation but the situation at work wasn’t the best - not only was it challenging my values but it was also affecting me mentally. I was afraid to leave my job though, as that meant letting go of financial stability (something that I found pride and security in), especially in a time where economies were being affected by the pandemic and people were struggling to find jobs. I was also afraid of the judgement that I would get from people around me if I were to be unemployed at my age. After all, I was finally settling down after spending a couple years abroad so it felt like I was taking a step back if I were to quit my job.


I felt like a total loser that week and was afraid of how ...

I was asking God if I should really leave this job and if I did, what’s next for me? Within this same week, a ministry school in the US that I’ve been wanting to attend for a few years now announced that they were launching online! The timing matched up and I felt that maybe this was what God had next for me. Only catch is, with the USD/MYR exchange rate, the fees were pretty steep and I didn’t know how I was going to afford it especially if I wasn’t going to have a stable income. In the mean time, things at work wasn’t getting better and I was having breakdowns almost daily. It became clear to me that I needed to walk away from this job. I felt like a total loser that week and was afraid of how my parents would react to me wanting to resign. I prayed and told God that if it’s really His plans for me then He would soften my parents hearts and make things happen somehow. I was surprised when I spoke to my parents because not only were they supportive of my decision to resign, but they also encouraged me to apply for this ministry school before I could bring it up and offered to sponsor my tuition! I applied the next week, had my interview and got my acceptance in less than 24 hours. With all this, I knew it had to be God because of how smoothly things turned out.

I still felt like a loser and had this constant fear of running out of money. I don’t know why but I felt like I had to prove that I could make it financially -

You’d think that things would be fine after this but honestly, even though I was super thankful, I still felt like a loser and had this constant fear of running out of money. I don’t know why but I felt like I had to prove that I could make it financially - this was clearly my pride at work. It got to a point where I felt God tell me to just focus on school, my relationship with Him, and to trust Him to provide. As an act of obedience, I turned down freelance opportunities too as I knew that would take my focus away and would also be a way out for me to try to provide for myself. It was tough and I was so discouraged when I would compare myself to how well my friends were doing with their careers. I felt like I was left behind but I knew my best option was to trust God. Over the next couple of months, as God was working on my heart and teaching me not to strive but to rest in Him, I saw Him reveal Himself as my Provider. Almost every time that I started to worry about my finances a little, somehow I’d receive money. I had more than enough and was never in lack!

I saw Him reveal Himself as my Provider. Almost every time that I started to worry about my finances a little, somehow I’d receive money. I had more than enough and was never in lack!

As big of a win as this was for me, in hindsight, the biggest win was getting to know God better and experiencing Him as my Provider. My victory wasn’t in the miracle of my finances, it was in Jesus. This grew my faith even more! This experience also taught me to let go of my pride in trying to be financially self-sufficient as well as the importance of having a supportive and encouraging community. So as much as I hated having to take a step back, I can proudly say that the decision to follow Jesus propelled me further in many other ways. What a win!


- Ainsley Yap